Dear Kieran,


I thought about you so much today.  February has been tough. We knew it would be, of course, but here we are still.  So many reminders around us...reminders that we didn't get to bring you home this month.  Instead, we said our goodbye back in September. How fast the months have gone since then, propelling February to the forefront of our psyche.  Right there, up close, forcing us to REMEMBER that we don't get to welcome you home, love you, feed you and snuggle you.  Yet, there are new babies all around us.  Babies of adored friends. For that and for them, we are very thankful.  Yet...why not you too?...is always an intruding thought in those moments of joy that we so truly and freely feel for them. We know this is completely normal, but that doesn't diminish the enormity of the emotion that rushes in, without hesitation, bringing inevitable tears and the surging wave of grief.  Grief is like that.  It comes out of the dark to steal your joy. Then the guilt comes rushing in.  Guilt for feeling these emotions in the midst of the joy you feel for others. It's a powerful concoction, these two.  A recipe for weakness and vulnerability that is hard to 'feel' when you're naturally wired for a more controlled demeanor.  This is the newest terrain of our life, this journey, that we have to learn how to navigate somehow. Without you and with always missing you, it's sure to always be bumpy to some degree. We're trying to learn how to step better... even though it's stepping without you in our arms.


Missing you, always...


Mommy P.